I have been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Especially of one where I'd be diagnosed with diabetes. God forbid this to ever happen, but it kinda scares me. I don't want this life to be any harder than it is today. But.. if that's what God wants, then okay. I will fight through. Somebody once said to me, "You're having a hard time because God knows how strong you are. You'll pull through if you just believe you will." This quote just.. hits me every time I think of it. It's kind of giving me a reality-check, to stop whining and just appreciate what I have now.
Okay, starting with a new story now.. This time, it's all about insecurity.
Until about the age of 13, which was only a year and a half ago, I didn't know what "insecure" or "secure" even meant. I didn't think life would change. It's amazing how much a teenager can learn in a year, because I learned a lot. No, I didn't learn a lot how to solve Math problems or what a antibody is in Science.. I learned how life is. When I hit the age 13, I didn't think change would come. In fact, I had never experienced "change". Only when I would "change" my clothes or "change" my hairstyle. That's what I thought change meant. It does mean that, don't get me wrong, but that's what I thought it only meant. I didn't think life in general would change.
I loved my life back then. I had never taken anything seriously and I joked around a lot, made people laugh. I had never noticed the small things. I had never looked in the mirror and thought, "wow, my nose is getting big" or, "wow, my thighs look huggge!". I just thought... well, I didn't really think anything. Just put some lip-gloss on and went, "yep! Ready for school!". I didn't care how I looked because there was nothing to care about.
This all changed when I was in the middle of being 13. When I was younger, I couldn't wait to turn 13 because I'd be known as a "teenager" not a "kid". And that's what mattered in a 12 year old's life. "Tomorrow, I'll be 13! Tomorrow, I'll be a teenager!" That's what we all thought and told each other. And it was all bizarre at first, like one day a girl would turn 13 and we'd all cherish her for that day because she was now officially a "teenager".
This 11 year old girl was talking to me once, the day I had turned 13. She asked me, "how does it feel to be a teenager now? Do you like, wear bra's? Do you have a boyfriend? Have you kissed anybody yet?" And I just looked at this girl and blinked. What has the world been teaching their children? Oh but wait, I was like that too. I didn't have the guts to ask a "teenager" who back then would be known as, like, a "queen", if she wore bra's or if she had a boyfriend. Most of the time though, these girls would tell us. To sort of make us jealous. I didn't know she knew she was making us jealous. Now I know.
When I got my period, I was sort of excited. I could fit in now. I could go to school and tell all of the girls who had their periods that I got mine. That was known as "cool", for some reason. But then it got annoying. More and more each month. Then things started to change.
Change came to my life.
I gained weight, I was insecure about my looks, I was lazy and always grumpy. I began to get really sensitive and I took jokes seriously and got offended really easily. I don't know what made me like this.
I was confused. That's what I was. I wanted answers. I wanted God to speak to me, explaining why my life has turned out like this. When you're a teenager, you get told stuff and you just believe them. Even if you know they're not true, or even if you don't want to believe them... you do. And it gets you.
If you get called "fat" or "ugly", fat and ugly is what you see in the mirror. If you get called "fat" and have somebody say to you that "you should stop eating" (and what they mean is stop eating the bad things), you'd actually stop eating.
I was having a time where I'd go on and off. One day I'd stop eating, but then the next I'd begin to eat again. One day I'd exercise all I could until I couldn't even breathe, but the next I was on my computer all day. It was an on and off life for me and I didn't like it.
I was lost. I still am but back then I was lost more because it was all new to me. All these new things were just appearing and I had questions I wanted answers to but.. I didn't know who to talk to. I had never had a real best-friend until about year 8, which was last year. Her name is Rima. She honestly makes me feel much better when I feel down.
But unfortunately, Rima can't be with me all day, every day. Sometimes I have to deal with things myself and that just killed me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to turn, what to say. I was lost in the circle of a teenage life. It was me. It was only me, running around in circles. I'd always end up in the exact same spot and I'd end up being depressed all over again. It was only me, I was just.. stuck in the middle of a teenage world.
To make myself feel a little better, I'd write. I'd write songs about the things I was going through.
One day, somebody told me: "Being a teenager is hard. But you will get through it and if you do, it won't only give you memories to cherish forever.. but it will also make you a much stronger person than you already are." I live by that quote. Considering the fact that I've got years of teenage hood to come.
Ohhh, I can't wait!
Anyway, I'll continue my story tomorrow sometime. Again, I love you all.
You all are beautiful. We're ALL beautiful and perfect in our own ways. WORDS can't bring you down. I KNOW you're stronger than that. So chin up, girl. I love you and so does God.
QUESTIONS: (answer in your comment)
1. Have you ever experienced something that changed your life?
2. Did you ever believe change would come to your life?
3. Do you ever feel alone?
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