Saturday, October 13, 2012


You know when you have a really good habit, and you enjoy it so much that you can't wait to do it, and there's a phase in your life where you do it every day and then the day comes where this habit just slowly fades away... And then you're left wondering where the hell did this passion go, why didn't I have time to continue, why did I let it slip away.

That's what this blog is to me now. A past habit that I regret letting go (sort of letting go). I remember when I first made this blog. In 2009. I was so excited to share my stories, my life, my emotions and feelings with you all. I was so excited when I began to gain readers, and the comments you all left made me feel sooo good inside it's unexplainable. It's upsetting that I no longer get those comments, in fact I don't even know if anyone is reading still. But that's okay. I still enjoy telling my stories even if I'm not too sure if anyone's listening.

So anyway. I'm 17 now. I'm in the last few weeks of Year 12. Can you believe it? My exams start in less than a month. I graduate in two months. It's so overwhelming, so scary, but at the same time SO DAMN EXCITING. It's been so long, and so much has changed, and look at me right now. 4 years later and I'm still turning to this blog to express the extraordinary things that flutter around my mind daily. How strange that it's been that long, huh? It honestly feels like yesterday, but when I look back, I realize how much things have changed.

How my self concept has grown stronger. How my confidence has improved. I mean, I was reading through some of my old blog posts, and to see and remember how EXTREMELY insecure I was... It's horrifying. Because personally I know how bad it feels to feel ugly. I know how bad it feels to be verbally abused. It's not a nice feeling. And to think that at 14 and 15 and 16, I was avoiding mirrors just so I didn't have to look at my reflection -- it's upsetting. But at the same time, I'm relieved. Because now I'm 17, almost 18, and I'm...  I guess you can say I'm emotionally mature. I'm starting to grow stronger, mentally (physically? Who knows). If people put me down now I try my best to look past it, and most of time, it works.

During this year, lots of things have happened. I learned a few things. Learned who my real friends are. Learned that I can't trust anybody, especially if all they offer is their words or broken promises. I learned plenty. And I'm glad.

Because I know my life has just started (for the time being, because of course like you I do not know when it's my time to go). I'm just about to graduate from a place where I've been lingering and growing up for the past 13 years. I'm starting a complete new chapter in my life, and I want it to be... nice.

I want to wake up and honestly smile and actually look forward to the day I'm just about to face.

I want to wake up and honestly smile because I'm honestly happy.

That's the day I long for. The day I'm patiently waiting for. The day where I can wake up, whether it'd be beside my husband, or alone, and smile from the deep roots of my heart and I want to honestly say "I'm happy" and mean it with everything in me.

But until then (I'm not saying I'm completely unhappy right now. I just... haven't been extremely over the moon about anything lately) -- I shall continue my day to day life. The old boring one I've been living for 17 years. It's all I have right now. And there's always a voice inside my head saying "the best prizes are given to those who are patient". So call me that from now on. Miss Patient :)

Friday, May 11, 2012

what is perfection?

i'm so sick of seeing the media define 'perfection' for us. you see some skinny girl, long legs, flat stomach, long hair, colored eyes, skinny arms, skinny thighs. and people call this a "perfect body."

so what about the girls who don't have this body? what are we supposed to do? starve ourselves just so we can be classified as "perfect"? CHANGE?

i feel bad all the time because i have an insecurity.. i feel nervous when people look at me, self conscious almost, because all that goes on in my head is 'am i perfect in their eyes'.

all my life i've given people advice. "you're beautiful the way you are." "don't change for anybody" "be yourself. love yourself. accept yourself." "every one is beautiful". and truly? i BELIEVE it. I TRULY TRULY believe it. but sometimes it's hard to actually put it inside my head. why? because i'm just a teenager. i'm just a 17 year old girl. i'm not perfect. NOT AT ALL. i have so many flaws. faults. i over-think too much. sometimes i exaggerate. i stress for nothing. i cry for no reason sometimes.

but does that mean i'm not beautiful?

do my imperfections mean i'm not beautiful?

i always tell people 'i've accepted my flaws'. but the truth is, i haven't. and i probably never will, that's kind of what makes them flaws i guess. and me not accepting my flaws motivates me to change. because sometimes, change is good. change is ok. people make out 'changing' to be such a bad idea. when it's not. because we're humans. humans change. it's in our nature. it's normal to change. because we all grow. we all learn.

and i'm kind of getting off track, but that's ok. because things get out of hand sometimes. sometimes we have to let loose and just do what our heart tells us to do.

and beauty? beauty is what you think it is.

don't let media influence your personal definition of perfection.

because perfect can be whatever you want it to be.. even if it's made up of flaws.

till next time. :) -Hiba.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

you do care

When someone says "I really don't care what people think", it makes you wonder what else is stopping them from being truly happy. You do. You care. No matter how big, old, popular, pretty, strong you are, when someone criticizes you, it still hurts. Don't you dare pretend that for at least one second, it doesn't get to you, because I just know it does. When someone puts you down, you're not expected to smile about it. No matter what good this criticism is doing for you, it still hurts you. Despite whatever it may come with. Despite how "strong" it's making you. EVEN if it's not true - it still gets to that one soft soft in your heart. The sensitive spot.

I really wish I could be one of those people who truly do not care what others think about them (if they exist). I just think it'll make everything, just you know, easier. You're trying on an outfit that you really liked enough to try on in the first place. Instead of giving yourself a heads-up on how you feel about the outfit, you ask your mum or your sister or your friend "how does it look?". That's your insecurity right there. You long for reassurance to look good. You want to look good, you want to feel good about yourself, so you ask others. And if they tell you the truth "It doesn't look good", there's a small disappointment inside you that you don't tend to show. But you're asking to get a good answer. You're not looking for a negative one, regardless if it's honesty or not, you just want a "yes" answer.

Now, don't get me wrong. It's okay to ask others for their opinions on things. It's nice to know, in general, how other sets of eyes see you. But that's a risk that you have to take right after you ask for someones opinion. Because there's a 50/50 chance that their answer won't satisfy you. When someone tells you you're ugly. Don't you dare pretend it doesn't affect you, not one bit. Then all these other people come in saying "don't listen, you're beautiful the way you are." A million people could tell you that. But your mind keeps taking you back to that ONE negative person. WHY are they affecting me so much? WHY can't I base my happiness on the others? On the positive feedback people offer, and NOT the negative?

It's cause it's in our nature. It's normal to be hurt by the negative aspects and opinions people present on a daily basis. It's normal to feel sad after hearing someones criticism about you. But don't lie. Don't say you don't care what other people think, because that's just going to hurt you more. By denying your sadness you're only making it worse than it started off. There will always be those negative people who don't find a problem with being honest, or just completely negative about everything. They have their issues, their insecurities, their problems too.

And it WILL affect you. Maybe you'll cry one night because of them. BUT the overall outcome of your life? That's up to you. How you feel about yourself.. That is COMPLETELY. UP. TO. YOU. You let yourself believe the negative things people say about you? You'll eventually become that 'negative thing.' It's okay to fall sometimes. People push you. I get it. It's not easy to keep your balance when so many people want to put you down. But it's really your strength that defines you.

So, next time someone puts you down.. It's your choice to get right back up.

Till next time.