You know when you have a really good habit, and you enjoy it so much that you can't wait to do it, and there's a phase in your life where you do it every day and then the day comes where this habit just slowly fades away... And then you're left wondering where the hell did this passion go, why didn't I have time to continue, why did I let it slip away.
That's what this blog is to me now. A past habit that I regret letting go (sort of letting go). I remember when I first made this blog. In 2009. I was so excited to share my stories, my life, my emotions and feelings with you all. I was so excited when I began to gain readers, and the comments you all left made me feel sooo good inside it's unexplainable. It's upsetting that I no longer get those comments, in fact I don't even know if anyone is reading still. But that's okay. I still enjoy telling my stories even if I'm not too sure if anyone's listening.
So anyway. I'm 17 now. I'm in the last few weeks of Year 12. Can you believe it? My exams start in less than a month. I graduate in two months. It's so overwhelming, so scary, but at the same time SO DAMN EXCITING. It's been so long, and so much has changed, and look at me right now. 4 years later and I'm still turning to this blog to express the extraordinary things that flutter around my mind daily. How strange that it's been that long, huh? It honestly feels like yesterday, but when I look back, I realize how much things have changed.
How my self concept has grown stronger. How my confidence has improved. I mean, I was reading through some of my old blog posts, and to see and remember how EXTREMELY insecure I was... It's horrifying. Because personally I know how bad it feels to feel ugly. I know how bad it feels to be verbally abused. It's not a nice feeling. And to think that at 14 and 15 and 16, I was avoiding mirrors just so I didn't have to look at my reflection -- it's upsetting. But at the same time, I'm relieved. Because now I'm 17, almost 18, and I'm... I guess you can say I'm emotionally mature. I'm starting to grow stronger, mentally (physically? Who knows). If people put me down now I try my best to look past it, and most of time, it works.
During this year, lots of things have happened. I learned a few things. Learned who my real friends are. Learned that I can't trust anybody, especially if all they offer is their words or broken promises. I learned plenty. And I'm glad.
Because I know my life has just started (for the time being, because of course like you I do not know when it's my time to go). I'm just about to graduate from a place where I've been lingering and growing up for the past 13 years. I'm starting a complete new chapter in my life, and I want it to be... nice.
I want to wake up and honestly smile and actually look forward to the day I'm just about to face.
I want to wake up and honestly smile because I'm honestly happy.
That's the day I long for. The day I'm patiently waiting for. The day where I can wake up, whether it'd be beside my husband, or alone, and smile from the deep roots of my heart and I want to honestly say "I'm happy" and mean it with everything in me.
But until then (I'm not saying I'm completely unhappy right now. I just... haven't been extremely over the moon about anything lately) -- I shall continue my day to day life. The old boring one I've been living for 17 years. It's all I have right now. And there's always a voice inside my head saying "the best prizes are given to those who are patient". So call me that from now on. Miss Patient :)