Sunday, June 26, 2011

you'll be okay

Things get tough... not everything will go your way. That's reality. Yeah, sometimes it's good to fantasize about what you wish you had. For instance, dreaming. It makes you happy, doesn't it? That's what matters. But then you have to come back to reality and realize that this is what you're stuck with and therefore meaning you have to either work your way around it or cry about it.

Either way, this is reality.

Things don't always go your way and sometimes you'll get hurt. Your heart will break, your insecurity will kick in, your self-esteem isn't so high, your confidence is low. Sometimes it seems like so many things are going wrong.

But... well life goes on. Whether you're happy or sad, time doesn't stop. The clock keeps ticking and time keeps passing. It's now your choice whether to choose to push past the agony or cry about something you can no longer change.

I guess I'm ranting a lot because I don't know where I'm going with this particular post but it's pretty late and I'm tired but this is the hour where I think about a lot of things. My point is, you'll be okay. Hold on.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

everybody is broken

I was walking home today and for some reason, I became very open-minded as I looked at people in general walking home or picking up their kids etc. I realized that everybody we see, every individual has their own stories, experiences, fears and scars. We're all broken. Or we've all been broken. It's something interesting because it shows that nobody is perfect, no matter how old they are or what they've been through, popular or not, model or regular girl - nobody is perfect and we all have our own problems. We're all fragile humans trying to find happiness - well most of us are. That's a fact.

That's why I plaster a smile on my face before going somewhere, like school or to some family party. I do it for the people around me. I don't do it just to avoid the "what's wrong"'s, I do it so I don't affect those around me.

I'm not perfect meaning sometimes, yes, I get upset and it's hard to hide. And that usually leads to problems with my friends, and they all start to wonder why I've been acting distant or sort of like a bitch. Nobody really knows why, except for me. And that proves to me that by showing your true emotions when you're hurt or upset, you don't only affect yourself... you affect those around you.

In life you've gotta try to act as selfless as you can, and no, not everything will go your way and sometimes you'll be very upset... sometimes it will be too hard to fake a smile so you just want to be alone. That's okay, too. A simple "I want to be alone" should do the explaining and anybody who is considerate will understand that you want to be alone. I've learned a lot and as I grow older, I'm still learning. As are you.

I may say things without intention or I may get upset or over dramatic sometimes over little things... but don't judge me. Don't get mad at me for making some mistakes when you don't even see yourself making the same ones. I can be a hypocrite... but so can you. We all are. I say things at the end of the day, not only for others but also for me. I give advice, I tell people to be happy, and all the while I'm also talking to myself - if that makes sense.

But you know what I mean.

So, I understand that you may not like me sometimes, that's good, because I sometimes feel the same way about you. But I also respect that you have your problems and I have mine. You have your insecurities, scars, bruises, problems, family issues... But remember, that I also have mine.

You're not alone and that's exactly why you shouldn't get so upset at others for just say, ignoring you or not "being themselves" - because then again, you're judging them from what you see. You don't know anything. What if this person got abused? What if this person cuts themselves? What if they go through more than you'll ever know? That's exactly the reason why it is not okay to judge. I understand that it's annoying when people suddenly "change" or "ignore" you. But then again, you don't know what's making them act this way, therefore giving you no right to judge.

The moral of this blog post? Be considerate. When you walk past someone, don't put them down. Don't make fun of their messy bed hair. Don't laugh at their clothes. Don't make fun of them because the truth is, you have no idea what this person has to go through every day or has been through. You laugh because she's fat, while she's starving herself to lose weight. You laugh at the amount of make-up she has on, while she cries because without it she doesn't feel beautiful.

Be considerate. At the end of the day, we all have our insecurities and experiences. Including you, and me, and that's exactly the reason why it is not okay to judge.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


Why is there always somebody who is displeased? Why must there always be a hater? Why does it seem like we care about celebrities more than cancer patients? Why is there always somebody to ruin your day? Somebody to ruin your self-concept, your self-esteem, your confidence. You walk out thinking "Wow I'm confident today" only to have it ruined by somebody. Why? Why are you against bullying but find it okay to hate on a celebrity? Why do you think it's okay to say mean things about someone you don't know, but when someone you don't know says something about you, you're mad? Why? Why is it that you can't accept difference? Why can't you learn the definition of peace and live it? Why can't you respect others?

Are you immature? Are you too young? Are you hurt, are you broken, are you scarred. WHY? Why do you hate? Why must you focus on what you despise rather than what you don't? Why must you stereotype? Why do you feel the need to make someone feel bad about themselves? Does it entertain you? Hating isn't being "real" - it's being ignorant and ignorance is not an opinion. You hate something? Great. But hating something doesn't mean talking non-stop about it. Hating something doesn't mean even taking any time off to make hate groups, hate pages, hate accounts. Hating something does not mean thinking of a rumor to start.

Hating something means you're not interested in anything this "thing" does or says. Therefore, by making hate groups, by watching their videos, by commenting, by talking about it -- it only makes us believe that you actually do care enough to even waste your time doing anything that involves this thing that you "hate".

Why do you have to be so selfish? Cruel? Mean? If you hate somebody, an artist, a musician, an actor, actress... You have to realize that these people have fans, whether you like it or not and by opening your big mouth, you'll offend people. Do you really want that?

How about you stick to loving what you do love rather than loving what you hate.

Friday, June 17, 2011

all i want to do is write

Why? Because when I write, I'm able to express my imagination. I'm able to be someone that I wish I could be - someone better, prettier, luckier. My life isn't the best and I know I'm selfish because compared to the less-fortunate, my life is amazing. But really, it's not. I'm selfish... but aren't we all? I look at luckier people and I compare myself to them. I think to myself why they have the better life while I'm stuck here trying to lose weight just so I can be happy with myself. Some people have their whole life planned for them already, from young ages, they've had their dreams since they were 5 and since then they've had lots of support and people who help them out.

Me? When I was 5 I was playing with my barbie dolls, taking all the innocence I had for granted, oblivious to the fact that it will be gone so soon and I'd want it all back. I know we all say we shouldn't put ourselves down but lately that's been almost my only choice. If I believe in myself, not much is likely to happen except that I'll be even more shattered. I need support. I don't need to believe in myself; I need others to believe in me. So what happens when the most important people in my life don't?

I'm just sick of seeing people get what I've always wanted. And I won't deny that I'm jealous and selfish and just imperfect... because I know that I am.

All I want to do is write because I wish for a better life and by writing, I can almost experience it. It's the closest way I can experience what I want to experience.

Because even though I'm stuck in the middle of these four walls, by writing I can take myself out of this position for a while. Just for a while, even if it's just imagination, a dream, a wish, a hope. When I'm writing, I'm happy, because I get to be somebody else, somebody I want to be.

I can make the character up myself, how I want her to look like and what I want her to say. So it's almost like the characters in my stories are second me's.

Because right now, I'm not happy with myself and who I am. I know being negative is wrong but right now that is what I'm feeling and there is not a person in the world who can change that at this moment. I have to put up with it. How do I put up with my insecurities and my wishful-thinking?

I write.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I realized that there are way too many people out there who tend to believe anything and everything they hear. Or they tend to judge somebody or a situation just by looking at a picture or a few. It's pretty pathetic, however I admit that I have done it before and sometimes, I still do. I get that first impression. Just say somebody is tagged in some slutty picture and the girls are wearing play-boy costumes. You automatically think "whores"... but with me, I don't usually judge that quick. Therefore, I think of the possibilities like "What if it was a costume party" or a Halloween party or whatever. I have no right to judge.

For instance, take a look at this photo:

What do you think? Just by looking at this photo, there's no doubt the first thoughts that cross your mind is "They're making out", right? Right. That's what I thought too. And because this girl, Selena Gomez, has a boyfriend -- people looked at this photo and assumed she was cheating and made a big deal out of it and started drama because of it.

Now I will prove, easily, to all of you how gullible we can all be. You saw that picture, right? Well this is what really happened:

See? There is always another side to a story, to a picture, to a text message, to a tweet, to a Facebook status. There's another side to a story of everything.

At the end of the day, what you choose to believe is really up to you... But please, make sense out of the things you are believing. Think about all the possibilities and the possible various sides of a story before you judge a situation and the people involved. I can assure you that no matter how long you look at a photo or no matter how long you spend analyzing every move someone makes - you do not know the full story, so therefore you can not judge.

Don't be so gullible. Don't be an easy persuading target otherwise you'll start to judge things from the moment you see them -- which is never good. That is why I'm nice to people. Well, the ones that are nice to me anyway. Because I don't know how many scars they have, I don't know their secrets and their fears and their history. For all I know, a beautiful girl with brown eyes who smiles all day at school could be crying herself to sleep at night. She could be cutting herself and all the while I'm getting fooled by her smiles.

That is why I don't judge. I'm not perfect so sometimes I do, however I don't stick to that judgment. Most of the time, I don't. If I dislike something or somebody, I don't make a big deal out of it. If I dislike something, I have no interest in it and having no interest in something doesn't mean going on and on about why you have no interest in it. It means finding something else that interests you and makes you happy.

I'm getting off track. Bye :) I'm turning back the anonymous option in the comment bar for a while. I'd like to see your comments :)

Beauty... overrated?

The popular, short but powerful question: Do you believe you're beautiful?

It depends what beautiful means to you. Would I like to wake up feeling beautiful? Of course. But my insecurities won't let me think great of myself. If somebody calls me beautiful, I smile, but I soon forget about it because it's my opinion about myself that matters... Right? Because I'm the one that has to see me when I look in the mirror.

Yes, I have flaws. Some aren't always visible and I make sure they're not. When I feel upset, I usually point out every one of my flaws just to punish myself.

Society pressures us to look beautiful, otherwise we're not loved. And do you want to know the sad part? Society defines beautiful for us. Skinny, tall, flat-stomach, attractive legs, beautiful hair, breasts, nose, even teeth.

I understand and I believe that beauty comes from your heart, not your appearance. But, just look around. Society doesn't care about that anymore. They just want a good looking woman to satisfy their vision. They want tall, skinny models to make their dresses look sexy. They want flawless looking woman, with big breasts and long, sexy legs to satisfy the man's needs. They don't want regular woman, the women who aren't afraid to eat cookies, the women who have extra fat on their bodies, the women who are natural because they don't want to do plastic surgery.

They don't care about us, the girls who sit in their rooms, crying while looking at beautiful girls in magazines. They don't care about us, the girls who struggle every day to lose weight or to feel beautiful. They just don't care about us.

And in all seriousness? No, I don't believe I'm beautiful.

life must go on

Haters come and haters go. You get rid of one hater, there will always be another one just waiting to tear you down. That is what's too difficult to accept in our society... Reality. Because I've realized that reality is full of hate, full of ignorance, full of selfishness, discrimination and racism. You shouldn't let other people's insecurities and ignorance affect you. Be who you are... Don't change just to satisfy someones needs. I find that if you do that, they're happy, right? But you're not. Ignorance is something some have more than others and it is so difficult to ignore that ignorance... However it is possible. Take this advice: If you ignore it, it will escape your mind soon and it won't bother you anymore. Whereas, if you retaliate - it will offend you because they will reply back. So it's really up to you whether you let other peoples ignorance get in your way.

If people say mean things about you... If they label you... Those words do not define who you are. They are defining themselves. As long as YOU know the truth then their opinions do not matter at all.

A lot has happened lately... I'm going through a tough stage: wondering where I'll end up, wondering where my life is going, stressing over exams. I cry almost every night because I'm confused and... jealous.

I'm jealous of the people getting what I want. I don't want to be "perfect" because that's impossible... I just want a better life. And yes, that's selfish because I do have a better life when you compare me to African children. However, that is one of my flaws: I'm selfish. I know that I am, I won't deny it. Because either way it still doesn't stop me from wishing for something more.

I wish I still had that innocence... That innocence where I didn't think about what life would be like when I'm older. That time I took things for granted, totally unaware that they would be gone in a few years.

Now I'm just sitting in my room every night, shedding tears, wondering where I will end up in my life and if I will end up happy. If I will die happy. Or when I will die. I've been so insecure lately... about everything. About my weight, about my height, about my body, about my face, my hair, my legs. Sometimes I just stare at myself in the mirror and point out my flaws, just to punish myself. Punish myself for being so imperfect. For feeling so imperfect.

I have new smiles to wear everyday. Smiles to cover up my insecurities and my doubts and my fears. But it's sad that "I'm fine" has turned into just another way of saying "I cry myself to sleep". It's sad that I feel like I need to hide who I am in fear of not being accepted.

One thing I understand though: Life goes on. Whether you're happy or sad or depressed or lonely... Life must go on. You can not pause time and you can not stop it. Things must go on, the clock will continue to tick and you will face whatever the mystery of tomorrow brings.