have you ever felt alone? like you're the only person in the whole entire world feeling the way you do? like the walls to your bedroom are closing in on you slowly? like you just wanna run away and never look back? like you just wanna rewind time and change everything?
i have. i am. right now.
when you lose all your hope and faith.. you can't turn to anybody. and i hate to say this.. but not even God. if you lose your faith, you lose your belief. and that's what's killing me at the moment.
when things don't go my way, of course i'm all like "god why are you doing this to me, god why is this happening, why am i so imperfect blah blah blah".. it's because when things happen.. you NEED someone to blame..you can't just blame yourself for your problems..you need somebody else to blame..not saying it'll make you feel any better, most of the time, but it does get a little feather off your back.
i hate being so sensitive. it gets to me all the time. i get offended for OTHER people. imagine if i get offended for MYSELF - how bad that is for me..i don't like being so sensitive and fragile. my heart is like dry sand on the beach..you touch one little bit..and my heart falls apart. you touch it with your finger, and viola.. there's a hole. that's how fragile i am.
and this leads to me being a quiet person. a quiet person who likes to keep to herself sometimes. but then.. things change. especially when i'm with my friends and, i don't know, like had an energy drink or something.. i just act all crazy and sarcastic and funny and all of that.
it's annoying. the fact that i'm practically two people...but those two people have the same "settings", i guess you can call it.
these two people have sand hearts. but these two people aren't exactly the same.
it's like hannah montana in real life..only i don't wear a wig, i'm not a secret rockstar and i don't get paid to be two different people. it's weird how somebody is getting paid to ACT like a real person can be. oh and did i mention the fact that i ain't miley cyrus? sometimes i wish i could be.
and no, not just to get close to "nick jonas" or be well known across the world.. it's much more than that. so i could have parents that KNOW what i'm going through..that support me ALL the time..so i could have friends and fans who also support me and are always there when i need someone to talk to.
my parents do support me. but not as much as i wish they could. they're the type that just want to see me get married and have kids and live happily ever after and the end. i don't want my life to be like this. i always argue with my mum and this is the main reason why. i hate it when she thinks she can control my life and take over.
nobody can change the way i sometimes feel about her when she's not fair to me. everybody tells me it's because she's afraid of letting me go or whatever.. but there's a whole world out there and it's calling my name. i don't want to ignore it and i'm not going to. of course i would love to get married and create a family.. but one day. i'm not rushed for anything like that because i know once i get married and have kids, i'm going to be a lot busier. i need to have time for my kids and husband and all of that wife/mum sorta thing. i don't want that to happen before anything else happens that i WANT to live.
persuing your dream, when you want to become a well known artist/writer, takes a long, long time, wheather you want it to or not (especially when you're dad wasn't an artist back in his days and um, isn't called billy ray cyrus or anything like that). getting married and having children doesn't take a very long time, if you want it to and CAN take a long time if you want it to.
my daddy is always on my side.. well, not always but i'm much more closer to him than i am with my mum. i've always wished to have a mum i could tell anything to. a mum that could be my best-friend. but i guess i'm never going to have that mum. but i can not wait to have a daughter, who when she becomes a teenager, trusts me enough to tell me anything she wants to.
i guess i get jealous because my best-friend and her mum have the bestest relationship i have ever seen. they're like best-friends. she tells her mum everything and her mum supports her. but then.. she's not like that with her dad. she's not close with her dad, i am. she's close with her mum, i'm not.
it's like she has the mother i never had and i have the father she never had.
this and that happened and then i came to conclusion.. that everybody has two modes. everything is at least two different people.
NOBODY is one person ALL the time. *cough cough*, especially if you're a girl and you PMS like, i don't know, every month..and your mood changes like, oh i don't know, EVERY DAY!!
and then it OFFICIALLY concludes to the fact that i am NEVER alone..even though it may be hard to imagine or believe..but there is always somebody else in the world that feels the way you do.
and if it's too hard to imagine.. you've always got your LORD. you've always got JESUS. you've always got MOHAMMED (prophet). you've got MARY. they are all looking down at you..hoping that you keep holding on..
And you've also got ME..beautiful friends..I was going through a hard time. a very hard time, actually. and writing this blog, like i'm speaking directy TO you..made me feel better inside.
remember that you've always got at least someone to turn to when times are tough. for me, it's God..well, and my laptop. if you can't find anybody to turn to..turn to ME.
i'll be there.
and to all the other hearts out there that are like sand..i'm proud to say sometimes our hearts being so fragile can be a good thing. not ONLY are we considered "relatives" BUTTTT we can also save ourselves from those people who joke around just a bit tooooo much..who one day might do something really stupid and you regret ever letting them in or blah blah.
te-quiero, amigas.. para-siempre y alguna-vez. i love you all forever.. and ever.
AND for the record.. if you DON'T like my blogs, DON'T comment. it's simple and easy. i don't need to hear your 2-cent comments, thank you very much.