Friday, June 17, 2011

all i want to do is write

Why? Because when I write, I'm able to express my imagination. I'm able to be someone that I wish I could be - someone better, prettier, luckier. My life isn't the best and I know I'm selfish because compared to the less-fortunate, my life is amazing. But really, it's not. I'm selfish... but aren't we all? I look at luckier people and I compare myself to them. I think to myself why they have the better life while I'm stuck here trying to lose weight just so I can be happy with myself. Some people have their whole life planned for them already, from young ages, they've had their dreams since they were 5 and since then they've had lots of support and people who help them out.

Me? When I was 5 I was playing with my barbie dolls, taking all the innocence I had for granted, oblivious to the fact that it will be gone so soon and I'd want it all back. I know we all say we shouldn't put ourselves down but lately that's been almost my only choice. If I believe in myself, not much is likely to happen except that I'll be even more shattered. I need support. I don't need to believe in myself; I need others to believe in me. So what happens when the most important people in my life don't?

I'm just sick of seeing people get what I've always wanted. And I won't deny that I'm jealous and selfish and just imperfect... because I know that I am.

All I want to do is write because I wish for a better life and by writing, I can almost experience it. It's the closest way I can experience what I want to experience.

Because even though I'm stuck in the middle of these four walls, by writing I can take myself out of this position for a while. Just for a while, even if it's just imagination, a dream, a wish, a hope. When I'm writing, I'm happy, because I get to be somebody else, somebody I want to be.

I can make the character up myself, how I want her to look like and what I want her to say. So it's almost like the characters in my stories are second me's.

Because right now, I'm not happy with myself and who I am. I know being negative is wrong but right now that is what I'm feeling and there is not a person in the world who can change that at this moment. I have to put up with it. How do I put up with my insecurities and my wishful-thinking?

I write.

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------***From past experiences, you will no longer be allowed to post comments if you do not have a Google Account. I'm sorry to those of you doing the right thing, but I do not want Anonymous users commenting and this is the only way I can make that happen. I can not stop other people being ignorant however I can stop them from reaching me. If you're reading but you can not comment, I'd still like to thank you. Stay beautiful.