Why? Because when I write, I'm able to express my imagination. I'm able to be someone that I wish I could be - someone better, prettier, luckier. My life isn't the best and I know I'm selfish because compared to the less-fortunate, my life is amazing. But really, it's not. I'm selfish... but aren't we all? I look at luckier people and I compare myself to them. I think to myself why they have the better life while I'm stuck here trying to lose weight just so I can be happy with myself. Some people have their whole life planned for them already, from young ages, they've had their dreams since they were 5 and since then they've had lots of support and people who help them out.
Me? When I was 5 I was playing with my barbie dolls, taking all the innocence I had for granted, oblivious to the fact that it will be gone so soon and I'd want it all back. I know we all say we shouldn't put ourselves down but lately that's been almost my only choice. If I believe in myself, not much is likely to happen except that I'll be even more shattered. I need support. I don't need to believe in myself; I need others to believe in me. So what happens when the most important people in my life don't?
I'm just sick of seeing people get what I've always wanted. And I won't deny that I'm jealous and selfish and just imperfect... because I know that I am.
All I want to do is write because I wish for a better life and by writing, I can almost experience it. It's the closest way I can experience what I want to experience.
Because even though I'm stuck in the middle of these four walls, by writing I can take myself out of this position for a while. Just for a while, even if it's just imagination, a dream, a wish, a hope. When I'm writing, I'm happy, because I get to be somebody else, somebody I want to be.
I can make the character up myself, how I want her to look like and what I want her to say. So it's almost like the characters in my stories are second me's.
Because right now, I'm not happy with myself and who I am. I know being negative is wrong but right now that is what I'm feeling and there is not a person in the world who can change that at this moment. I have to put up with it. How do I put up with my insecurities and my wishful-thinking?
I write.
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Ignore the text below. I've turned the Anonymous option back on. I'll probably turn it back off soon because I really have no time for your pathetic comments, but you know what, go ahead. If you want to hide behind an anonymous picture and name, go for it. It doesn't make you much a bigger person, anyway. :)
------***From past experiences, you will no longer be allowed to post comments if you do not have a Google Account. I'm sorry to those of you doing the right thing, but I do not want Anonymous users commenting and this is the only way I can make that happen. I can not stop other people being ignorant however I can stop them from reaching me. If you're reading but you can not comment, I'd still like to thank you. Stay beautiful.