You know when you have a really good habit, and you enjoy it so much that you can't wait to do it, and there's a phase in your life where you do it every day and then the day comes where this habit just slowly fades away... And then you're left wondering where the hell did this passion go, why didn't I have time to continue, why did I let it slip away.
That's what this blog is to me now. A past habit that I regret letting go (sort of letting go). I remember when I first made this blog. In 2009. I was so excited to share my stories, my life, my emotions and feelings with you all. I was so excited when I began to gain readers, and the comments you all left made me feel sooo good inside it's unexplainable. It's upsetting that I no longer get those comments, in fact I don't even know if anyone is reading still. But that's okay. I still enjoy telling my stories even if I'm not too sure if anyone's listening.
So anyway. I'm 17 now. I'm in the last few weeks of Year 12. Can you believe it? My exams start in less than a month. I graduate in two months. It's so overwhelming, so scary, but at the same time SO DAMN EXCITING. It's been so long, and so much has changed, and look at me right now. 4 years later and I'm still turning to this blog to express the extraordinary things that flutter around my mind daily. How strange that it's been that long, huh? It honestly feels like yesterday, but when I look back, I realize how much things have changed.
How my self concept has grown stronger. How my confidence has improved. I mean, I was reading through some of my old blog posts, and to see and remember how EXTREMELY insecure I was... It's horrifying. Because personally I know how bad it feels to feel ugly. I know how bad it feels to be verbally abused. It's not a nice feeling. And to think that at 14 and 15 and 16, I was avoiding mirrors just so I didn't have to look at my reflection -- it's upsetting. But at the same time, I'm relieved. Because now I'm 17, almost 18, and I'm... I guess you can say I'm emotionally mature. I'm starting to grow stronger, mentally (physically? Who knows). If people put me down now I try my best to look past it, and most of time, it works.
During this year, lots of things have happened. I learned a few things. Learned who my real friends are. Learned that I can't trust anybody, especially if all they offer is their words or broken promises. I learned plenty. And I'm glad.
Because I know my life has just started (for the time being, because of course like you I do not know when it's my time to go). I'm just about to graduate from a place where I've been lingering and growing up for the past 13 years. I'm starting a complete new chapter in my life, and I want it to be... nice.
I want to wake up and honestly smile and actually look forward to the day I'm just about to face.
I want to wake up and honestly smile because I'm honestly happy.
That's the day I long for. The day I'm patiently waiting for. The day where I can wake up, whether it'd be beside my husband, or alone, and smile from the deep roots of my heart and I want to honestly say "I'm happy" and mean it with everything in me.
But until then (I'm not saying I'm completely unhappy right now. I just... haven't been extremely over the moon about anything lately) -- I shall continue my day to day life. The old boring one I've been living for 17 years. It's all I have right now. And there's always a voice inside my head saying "the best prizes are given to those who are patient". So call me that from now on. Miss Patient :)
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
what is perfection?
i'm so sick of seeing the media define 'perfection' for us. you see some skinny girl, long legs, flat stomach, long hair, colored eyes, skinny arms, skinny thighs. and people call this a "perfect body."
so what about the girls who don't have this body? what are we supposed to do? starve ourselves just so we can be classified as "perfect"? CHANGE?
i feel bad all the time because i have an insecurity.. i feel nervous when people look at me, self conscious almost, because all that goes on in my head is 'am i perfect in their eyes'.
all my life i've given people advice. "you're beautiful the way you are." "don't change for anybody" "be yourself. love yourself. accept yourself." "every one is beautiful". and truly? i BELIEVE it. I TRULY TRULY believe it. but sometimes it's hard to actually put it inside my head. why? because i'm just a teenager. i'm just a 17 year old girl. i'm not perfect. NOT AT ALL. i have so many flaws. faults. i over-think too much. sometimes i exaggerate. i stress for nothing. i cry for no reason sometimes.
but does that mean i'm not beautiful?
do my imperfections mean i'm not beautiful?
i always tell people 'i've accepted my flaws'. but the truth is, i haven't. and i probably never will, that's kind of what makes them flaws i guess. and me not accepting my flaws motivates me to change. because sometimes, change is good. change is ok. people make out 'changing' to be such a bad idea. when it's not. because we're humans. humans change. it's in our nature. it's normal to change. because we all grow. we all learn.
and i'm kind of getting off track, but that's ok. because things get out of hand sometimes. sometimes we have to let loose and just do what our heart tells us to do.
and beauty? beauty is what you think it is.
don't let media influence your personal definition of perfection.
because perfect can be whatever you want it to be.. even if it's made up of flaws.
till next time. :) -Hiba.
so what about the girls who don't have this body? what are we supposed to do? starve ourselves just so we can be classified as "perfect"? CHANGE?
i feel bad all the time because i have an insecurity.. i feel nervous when people look at me, self conscious almost, because all that goes on in my head is 'am i perfect in their eyes'.
all my life i've given people advice. "you're beautiful the way you are." "don't change for anybody" "be yourself. love yourself. accept yourself." "every one is beautiful". and truly? i BELIEVE it. I TRULY TRULY believe it. but sometimes it's hard to actually put it inside my head. why? because i'm just a teenager. i'm just a 17 year old girl. i'm not perfect. NOT AT ALL. i have so many flaws. faults. i over-think too much. sometimes i exaggerate. i stress for nothing. i cry for no reason sometimes.
but does that mean i'm not beautiful?
do my imperfections mean i'm not beautiful?
i always tell people 'i've accepted my flaws'. but the truth is, i haven't. and i probably never will, that's kind of what makes them flaws i guess. and me not accepting my flaws motivates me to change. because sometimes, change is good. change is ok. people make out 'changing' to be such a bad idea. when it's not. because we're humans. humans change. it's in our nature. it's normal to change. because we all grow. we all learn.
and i'm kind of getting off track, but that's ok. because things get out of hand sometimes. sometimes we have to let loose and just do what our heart tells us to do.
and beauty? beauty is what you think it is.
don't let media influence your personal definition of perfection.
because perfect can be whatever you want it to be.. even if it's made up of flaws.
till next time. :) -Hiba.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
you do care
When someone says "I really don't care what people think", it makes you wonder what else is stopping them from being truly happy. You do. You care. No matter how big, old, popular, pretty, strong you are, when someone criticizes you, it still hurts. Don't you dare pretend that for at least one second, it doesn't get to you, because I just know it does. When someone puts you down, you're not expected to smile about it. No matter what good this criticism is doing for you, it still hurts you. Despite whatever it may come with. Despite how "strong" it's making you. EVEN if it's not true - it still gets to that one soft soft in your heart. The sensitive spot.
I really wish I could be one of those people who truly do not care what others think about them (if they exist). I just think it'll make everything, just you know, easier. You're trying on an outfit that you really liked enough to try on in the first place. Instead of giving yourself a heads-up on how you feel about the outfit, you ask your mum or your sister or your friend "how does it look?". That's your insecurity right there. You long for reassurance to look good. You want to look good, you want to feel good about yourself, so you ask others. And if they tell you the truth "It doesn't look good", there's a small disappointment inside you that you don't tend to show. But you're asking to get a good answer. You're not looking for a negative one, regardless if it's honesty or not, you just want a "yes" answer.
Now, don't get me wrong. It's okay to ask others for their opinions on things. It's nice to know, in general, how other sets of eyes see you. But that's a risk that you have to take right after you ask for someones opinion. Because there's a 50/50 chance that their answer won't satisfy you. When someone tells you you're ugly. Don't you dare pretend it doesn't affect you, not one bit. Then all these other people come in saying "don't listen, you're beautiful the way you are." A million people could tell you that. But your mind keeps taking you back to that ONE negative person. WHY are they affecting me so much? WHY can't I base my happiness on the others? On the positive feedback people offer, and NOT the negative?
It's cause it's in our nature. It's normal to be hurt by the negative aspects and opinions people present on a daily basis. It's normal to feel sad after hearing someones criticism about you. But don't lie. Don't say you don't care what other people think, because that's just going to hurt you more. By denying your sadness you're only making it worse than it started off. There will always be those negative people who don't find a problem with being honest, or just completely negative about everything. They have their issues, their insecurities, their problems too.
And it WILL affect you. Maybe you'll cry one night because of them. BUT the overall outcome of your life? That's up to you. How you feel about yourself.. That is COMPLETELY. UP. TO. YOU. You let yourself believe the negative things people say about you? You'll eventually become that 'negative thing.' It's okay to fall sometimes. People push you. I get it. It's not easy to keep your balance when so many people want to put you down. But it's really your strength that defines you.
So, next time someone puts you down.. It's your choice to get right back up.
Till next time.
-Hiba
I really wish I could be one of those people who truly do not care what others think about them (if they exist). I just think it'll make everything, just you know, easier. You're trying on an outfit that you really liked enough to try on in the first place. Instead of giving yourself a heads-up on how you feel about the outfit, you ask your mum or your sister or your friend "how does it look?". That's your insecurity right there. You long for reassurance to look good. You want to look good, you want to feel good about yourself, so you ask others. And if they tell you the truth "It doesn't look good", there's a small disappointment inside you that you don't tend to show. But you're asking to get a good answer. You're not looking for a negative one, regardless if it's honesty or not, you just want a "yes" answer.
Now, don't get me wrong. It's okay to ask others for their opinions on things. It's nice to know, in general, how other sets of eyes see you. But that's a risk that you have to take right after you ask for someones opinion. Because there's a 50/50 chance that their answer won't satisfy you. When someone tells you you're ugly. Don't you dare pretend it doesn't affect you, not one bit. Then all these other people come in saying "don't listen, you're beautiful the way you are." A million people could tell you that. But your mind keeps taking you back to that ONE negative person. WHY are they affecting me so much? WHY can't I base my happiness on the others? On the positive feedback people offer, and NOT the negative?
It's cause it's in our nature. It's normal to be hurt by the negative aspects and opinions people present on a daily basis. It's normal to feel sad after hearing someones criticism about you. But don't lie. Don't say you don't care what other people think, because that's just going to hurt you more. By denying your sadness you're only making it worse than it started off. There will always be those negative people who don't find a problem with being honest, or just completely negative about everything. They have their issues, their insecurities, their problems too.
And it WILL affect you. Maybe you'll cry one night because of them. BUT the overall outcome of your life? That's up to you. How you feel about yourself.. That is COMPLETELY. UP. TO. YOU. You let yourself believe the negative things people say about you? You'll eventually become that 'negative thing.' It's okay to fall sometimes. People push you. I get it. It's not easy to keep your balance when so many people want to put you down. But it's really your strength that defines you.
So, next time someone puts you down.. It's your choice to get right back up.
Till next time.
-Hiba
Monday, December 5, 2011
Beastly
Can you believe it? 2011 is almost over. Time is flying by way too fast... This time last year I was in Lebanon. It feels like yesterday. Next year is my last year of High School. And that's where I stop because I have no idea where I'm heading. Not even a little hint. I'm still lost and confused as I've ever been... But I guess I'm looking forward to 2012.
It's Summer. I'm happy about this. Extremely happy. Besides needing a tan desperately, I just love the feeling of Summer and Summer nights. I love spending full days at the beach and just having a good time, not a worry in the world. I've miss that feeling... so I'm praying that this Summer is a good one.
Anyway, so yesterday I watched Beastly. I must admit, it was better than I had expected. It carries such a powerful message which I'm sure most of you have heard before: Don't judge a book by its cover. A good looking teen who's the popular guy in school and also happens to be the mean bully as well, who believes that "good looking people are better" is turned into a hideous, "ugly", scar-filled teenager instead. The spell that was cast on him was that he was to "be as hideous outside as he was inside" and find someone who loves him for him before the year ended or else he'd stay like that forever. I love the author of this story.
It teaches us that looks aren't as important as the media portrays it to be. Well, it's not. The most beautiful person you've ever seen may be the opposite inside. Good looks don't define people and suddenly make them better than everyone else. In fact, personally I think that if I knew how selfish or cruel a really really good looking person was, I'd find them not as attractive anymore, because I know that they're not as nice as they look.
Good looks will fade eventually. Everyone gets wrinkles and blah blah as they get older, so why love someone based purely on their looks and nothing else? Their looks will change, for whatever reason. So that's why I say, don't love someone because they're beautiful. Get to know them. Their personality will shine right through their appearance, and you can then decide if they're as pretty inside as they are outside.
It's Summer. I'm happy about this. Extremely happy. Besides needing a tan desperately, I just love the feeling of Summer and Summer nights. I love spending full days at the beach and just having a good time, not a worry in the world. I've miss that feeling... so I'm praying that this Summer is a good one.
Anyway, so yesterday I watched Beastly. I must admit, it was better than I had expected. It carries such a powerful message which I'm sure most of you have heard before: Don't judge a book by its cover. A good looking teen who's the popular guy in school and also happens to be the mean bully as well, who believes that "good looking people are better" is turned into a hideous, "ugly", scar-filled teenager instead. The spell that was cast on him was that he was to "be as hideous outside as he was inside" and find someone who loves him for him before the year ended or else he'd stay like that forever. I love the author of this story.
It teaches us that looks aren't as important as the media portrays it to be. Well, it's not. The most beautiful person you've ever seen may be the opposite inside. Good looks don't define people and suddenly make them better than everyone else. In fact, personally I think that if I knew how selfish or cruel a really really good looking person was, I'd find them not as attractive anymore, because I know that they're not as nice as they look.
Good looks will fade eventually. Everyone gets wrinkles and blah blah as they get older, so why love someone based purely on their looks and nothing else? Their looks will change, for whatever reason. So that's why I say, don't love someone because they're beautiful. Get to know them. Their personality will shine right through their appearance, and you can then decide if they're as pretty inside as they are outside.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
time runs out
You know when you're sitting an exam, and you have a set time to complete it? Or you know when you're sitting outside during school time during lunch, and that bell rings? Or the last period of the school day and that last bell finally rings? When you have an assignment due in soon, with no possible extensions to be given out?
That is life. Life is precious. Time is precious. Time is what all of us need.
Whether it's to say goodbye, to finish off homework, to spend with someone special or to finish an exam -- time is what we need. Time is valuable. Yes, we all have time, and we all know that one day, our time will run out. But the thing that's so overwhelming? We don't know when the time will run out. When you're finishing off an assignment because you have no more time to hand it in or when you're sitting in class, waiting for the bell to ring... That time is almost guaranteed.
You know when the exam time will end. You know when lunchtime ends. You know when school ends, when your laptop battery ends, when your time to hand in your assignment ends. But you don't know when life ends.
When time, time ends.
Every day, as humans, we face fears. The number one fear... is time. Loss of time. Shortened time. Time that's not enough. As humans, all we want is time. Time to reach our dreams, time to figure out who we are, time to stay young, to embrace our happiness. We just want time.
But we must face our fears as well as reality. In reality, nobody really knows exactly when their time will end. We don't know when our chance at life will end, and why, even. Nobody knows, in fact. That's what's so frightening. Especially as a young person who doesn't know who they are, or what to do when they're older.
I'm left with feeling afraid. I'm left with the 'what if's' and the 'when's'. What if I don't get to be who I want to be, what if I die early, what if something terrible happens that stops me from something. When will this happen, when will that happen, will this and that happen?
I am just a 16 year old girl. A 16 year old girl who is confused, and almost lost in the middle of this world that I feel so bad for. A million what if questions sprawl across my mind every single day.
I know it's no good to think like this. I know I shouldn't be so negative.
But I can't help it. I can't help but feel this way.
No matter where you are in the world... how old you are... how young you are... how healthy or weak you are... Time runs out.
Use time wisely. It's like an hourglass. Sort of. Well, it's like an hourglass stuck to a table, where you can't turn it over--meaning you can't rewind time. But then again... An hourglass shows you how long you have left until the time does run out.
Unfortunately, that's not realistic. I guess because I've been told for so many years to forget about my fantasies -- some people used to get angry with me because I was so caught up in this fantasy world, where I was actually happy -- and I guess that's the reason why I'm so negative today. Reality isn't all rainbows and sunshine. I've learned that. I'm no longer as naive as I used to be. I no longer see the innocence in the world that I used to see. I'm no longer caught up in a dream. I don't get at least the slightest bit of happiness from dreams anymore.
I'm not caught up anymore.
Are you happy now?
That is life. Life is precious. Time is precious. Time is what all of us need.
Whether it's to say goodbye, to finish off homework, to spend with someone special or to finish an exam -- time is what we need. Time is valuable. Yes, we all have time, and we all know that one day, our time will run out. But the thing that's so overwhelming? We don't know when the time will run out. When you're finishing off an assignment because you have no more time to hand it in or when you're sitting in class, waiting for the bell to ring... That time is almost guaranteed.
You know when the exam time will end. You know when lunchtime ends. You know when school ends, when your laptop battery ends, when your time to hand in your assignment ends. But you don't know when life ends.
When time, time ends.
Every day, as humans, we face fears. The number one fear... is time. Loss of time. Shortened time. Time that's not enough. As humans, all we want is time. Time to reach our dreams, time to figure out who we are, time to stay young, to embrace our happiness. We just want time.
But we must face our fears as well as reality. In reality, nobody really knows exactly when their time will end. We don't know when our chance at life will end, and why, even. Nobody knows, in fact. That's what's so frightening. Especially as a young person who doesn't know who they are, or what to do when they're older.
I'm left with feeling afraid. I'm left with the 'what if's' and the 'when's'. What if I don't get to be who I want to be, what if I die early, what if something terrible happens that stops me from something. When will this happen, when will that happen, will this and that happen?
I am just a 16 year old girl. A 16 year old girl who is confused, and almost lost in the middle of this world that I feel so bad for. A million what if questions sprawl across my mind every single day.
I know it's no good to think like this. I know I shouldn't be so negative.
But I can't help it. I can't help but feel this way.
No matter where you are in the world... how old you are... how young you are... how healthy or weak you are... Time runs out.
Use time wisely. It's like an hourglass. Sort of. Well, it's like an hourglass stuck to a table, where you can't turn it over--meaning you can't rewind time. But then again... An hourglass shows you how long you have left until the time does run out.
Unfortunately, that's not realistic. I guess because I've been told for so many years to forget about my fantasies -- some people used to get angry with me because I was so caught up in this fantasy world, where I was actually happy -- and I guess that's the reason why I'm so negative today. Reality isn't all rainbows and sunshine. I've learned that. I'm no longer as naive as I used to be. I no longer see the innocence in the world that I used to see. I'm no longer caught up in a dream. I don't get at least the slightest bit of happiness from dreams anymore.
I'm not caught up anymore.
Are you happy now?
Saturday, August 13, 2011
AMAZING NEWS!!!!
Remember my song-writing contract that I received from America? Yes, it's been 2 years, but.... well a few days ago, I received my DEMO'S! One of them was the personal God one called "Will This All Be Over Soon"; I posted the lyrics to that one here 2 years ago. Wow. Thanks so much for your support.
If you would like to listen to the demo, click here. :) YAY!
If you would like to listen to the demo, click here. :) YAY!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
the beauty of the moon
We're all lost people... if you think about it. We're all lost souls, living today in fear of the mystery of tomorrow. We all have our own stories, our own secrets, our own insecurities and problems and troubles.
True, right? I don't know why I decided to write that but right now I'm just writing whatever comes to my mind. We're already past half way through the year... Can you believe it? I've been through so much throughout the years... it's so incredible how fast time is going. I almost want it to slow down....
I find myself whenever I look at the moon, it just inspires me. It's hard to believe how far away it is... and even after knowing that, it still inspires me. It kind of makes me feel closer to everybody else out there in the world. No matter where you are... where you go... whether it's China or Canada or Australia or even Antarctica... when you look up at the sky, you'll see the same moon you see when you were somewhere else. It makes me feel... I don't know... small.
When I look at the moon, I feel as if I'm not alone. Like it's always there for me, no matter where I go. That's a bit cheesy.... but hey right now I feel like writing about the moon. In fact, I'm sitting next to my older sister who's asking me what I'm writing to which I replied: "I'm writing about the moon". And she laughed.
Haha. I'm inspired right now, I guess and right now I feel like writing about the moon. And if you feel alone.... I think you should look up at the moon and smile, for the moon will smile back.
HAHA THAT IS TOO CHEESY. But you know what... it's true. The moon won't smile back itself, but millions of others in the world are most likely looking at the moon, too. Doesn't that make you feel... not alone?
Okay, okay I'll shut up. I guess I'm just trying to distract myself from my homework so here I am, talking about the moon.
OH There's a Bruno Mars song "Talking To The Moon", listen to it. It's great.
True, right? I don't know why I decided to write that but right now I'm just writing whatever comes to my mind. We're already past half way through the year... Can you believe it? I've been through so much throughout the years... it's so incredible how fast time is going. I almost want it to slow down....
I find myself whenever I look at the moon, it just inspires me. It's hard to believe how far away it is... and even after knowing that, it still inspires me. It kind of makes me feel closer to everybody else out there in the world. No matter where you are... where you go... whether it's China or Canada or Australia or even Antarctica... when you look up at the sky, you'll see the same moon you see when you were somewhere else. It makes me feel... I don't know... small.
When I look at the moon, I feel as if I'm not alone. Like it's always there for me, no matter where I go. That's a bit cheesy.... but hey right now I feel like writing about the moon. In fact, I'm sitting next to my older sister who's asking me what I'm writing to which I replied: "I'm writing about the moon". And she laughed.
Haha. I'm inspired right now, I guess and right now I feel like writing about the moon. And if you feel alone.... I think you should look up at the moon and smile, for the moon will smile back.
HAHA THAT IS TOO CHEESY. But you know what... it's true. The moon won't smile back itself, but millions of others in the world are most likely looking at the moon, too. Doesn't that make you feel... not alone?
Okay, okay I'll shut up. I guess I'm just trying to distract myself from my homework so here I am, talking about the moon.
OH There's a Bruno Mars song "Talking To The Moon", listen to it. It's great.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)